Charlie’s Blog

Today was sizing up to be another day of zero work at the firm, and boy was I ready for it! I picked up a few books at the library, got comfortable, and was happily into my second book when my supervisor came in asking who wants to do this shitty job? I looked away while my cellmates were scrambling for the opportunity! "Me, me!" they yelled. He looked at me and was all "Charlie, do you want to do the copying job?" like it was a gift, but I kinda stammered (like "uhhhh…yeh-nuhhh…hmmm") until one of the eager beavers jumped up and took it. I breathed a sigh of relief, but that relief was short-lived for I was given a tedious copying project within the next thirty minutes.

My book is so good, too! It’s called "Life at the Singles Table" or something like that. The author documents how it came to be that she went over 1,000 days without sex. That’s like 3 years! Can you imagine?

The first book I read was "Confessions of an Heiress" by Paris Hilton! It was so fun (and quick) to read that I might just read it again. There were some great pearls of wisdom that I can’t really remember right now so it seems like I really will have to give it another glance. She talks about everything including how to keep a man and how to pack for trips. Oh yeah, she says that traveling isn’t just about where you go, it’s also about how you get there. What’s the point of going to Saint-Tropez if you’re back-packing and dirty and don’t have your hair blown out? I totally agree! My co-worker and I were ROTFLOL at one picture of the Hilton family in which little Nicky is smiling despite the big white band-aid across her chin! It must be seen to be believed. It’s too bad I’m too lazy to take a picture of it and post it here, but it really would take a lot of energy (for starters, my camera battery is dead, so that needs to charge…).

Someone gave me twenty bucks today! I had just payed for my food when some woman handed me twenty bucks that I had dropped, only I didn’t have twenty bucks. There was no one else there to ask, and she seemed in a real hurry so I accepted it and promised myself I’d use it for good.

They didn’t steal my paper today! Just last night, I told David that if the fuckhead creeps on my block steal my paper this morning, I’m going to cancel my subscription, for good this time! I’ve missed reading the Wedding Announcements for over a month, but today I get to! They are worth the two dollars a week by themselves! It’s so interesting to read about people and their jobs and their parents, and sometimes how they met. The best is when there’s a so-so girl with a really hot guy, as you can find on page 11. That Marion must know how to put it down! Another notable is the bride whose father is the chairman and chief exec of Goldman Sachs while the groom’s is a supermarket manager. My friend told me, though, that supermarket managers, especially in produce, make fat BANK. I don’t think there were any gay wedding announcements this week which SUCKS. A lot of the couples look familiar, like I served them overpriced sushi during my three-month waiter sentence at Ruby Foo’s.

Today was such an ugly day in the city. It was grey, humid, hot, and sticky beyond belief. I stayed in most of the time finishing Bergdorf Blondes. The reviews on Amazon said that the book was really good at first, but then got tired about halfway through. I’ll agree and add that the main character went from likeable to borderline pathetic in the second half. She was pretty slutty, though, and it’s so hard not to love a slut!

How do you tell a guy you really like not to ever call you again before noon on the weekend without sounding like a spoiled brat? It’s impossible to get back to sleep in this humidity.

What’s my favorite drink these days? Coconut water! I think I’ll have some right now!

That was refreshing!

I said I’d write about David’s new man, but unfortunately, he’s now outta love like Anastacia. He was a doctor, too! Ah well, more fish in the sea.

That’s all folks.

It’s so late again that I’m getting home. I swear, this is the last time.

My God, I was so sluggish today. I blame it on the food I ate. For some reason, my stomach was a bottomless pit today, but I just now put the "closed" sign up so it gets a break for eight hours or so. Maybe I’ll fast tomorrow! I was going to fast one day at work the other week, but my co-worker urged me to eat for fear of hunger-induced crankiness. They gave me a horrible project at the copy machine that day, so I became cranky anyway. Isn’t that ironic, don’t you think?

The book I’m reading now is really fun. It’s "Bergdorff Blondes," which is like a modern version of my favorite book of all time, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." One thing about BB is that there are a lot of acronyms like HRH (his royal highness) and FRG (front row girl, pertaining to fashion shows). Apparently high-class NYC hotties talk in acronyms a lot, but I have little desire to get close to one of them to find out for myself. I’m content to gawk at their gorgeous bfs and handbags from a safe distance.

I felt like such a lame-o tonight, though, because I had to schlep all the way to the east side of midtown for dinner at my friend’s aunt’s house and then schlep back west to meet David to go out. Forseeing the schlepping, I brought my book to read on the many trains and buses I’d have to take, and the only bag I had that could work was my beat-up, old, skinny briefcase. So, and here’s where the lame-o comes in, I bar-hopped to four bars carrying around a skinny briefcase. At each place, I’d enter and throw it into a little corner ASAP before anyone could really see me looking like such a dork. Later, I wondered if anybody might see this unattended bag and freak out about terrorism. Worse, if they searched my bag and found my girly-ass book, checked out from the public library no less, and I had to come up and claim it. Gay bars are scary and judgemental enough without having to give people concrete reasons to laugh at you! In any event, my lesson was learned, and the future will have me leaving my book at home and going out sans baggages.

I’m typing in my dim living room. Dim because the light bulb went out yesterday, and the mood hasn’t yet struck me to fix it.

Hey, I know why I was so hungry today. I rented the DVD of "Fat Actress." I have to say, the first four episodes are fucking funny while the last three are not worth watching. Back to my hunger, that bitch is constantly eating delicious food, and that made me want to be constantly eating, and I was, until I practically passed out as the massive digestion depleted all of my energy for the day.

Get ready for tomorrow’s blog entry when I write about David’s new man, Jay’s new bed, and much, much more…

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been up so late! This is what happens when I go out in the East Village which is like thirteen light years away from where I live, the way Upper West Side. Plus I stopped for that damn Roti Roll again. Starting Sunday, dinner is going to be salads for me. I’ll tell you, ever since I started chewing my food completely, my fucking molars have been feeling sore!

"Well, Charlie, if the EV is so fucking far, why did you go out there?" Because it’s cool! And because I was invited by W to go dancing at this (oh! Kitty is playing rough right now) club called Pyramids, which has eighties night like every night, I think. For some reason, probably sour eighties nights in the past, I expected to have to dance to obnoxious new wave music that everyone seems to like but me. Happily, this was not the case. The music was awesome! They played Madonna, Debbie, Belinda…even "My Prerogative." There was a girl seriously getting DOWN in a crazy fashion similar to a certain former roommate of mine (not back-bending Alexis, someone else).

Before that, I met up with Ebs at XES and happened to run into my roommate, Jay, and his friend, Jake. One of the best things about XES is that it’s right by the Whole Foods that my other roommate, Heather, works at, so I went there and bothered her prior to meeting Ebs. She introduced me to a guy who works there named Charlie, and Charlie showed me their entire line of spray toners. Who knew that toner could be sprayed on? You know, you don’t even need cotton balls. And, actually, the simple reason I stopped using my toner about a month ago is that I ran out of cotton balls. I bought a mini-bottle of a cheap brand, and Heather’s going to see about hooking me up with a full-size of the nicest line they carry (I can’t write the name here for fear of jeopardizing my hook-up, but I can tell you in private if you really wanna know).

I got some questions about why I’m moving when I’m just now getting settled and having a lot of fun in New York so I’ll just tell you now. Because of the weather and other issues I have with the city, I know I don’t want to live here forever, and it really sucks to live somewhere where you know you’ll eventually be leaving. Southern California is where I’ve always wanted to end up so it makes sense to go there and start living like I’m going to stay, that is, plant some roots!

Another thing about moving is that between deciding to move and actually getting the rock out of town, finally worthwhile men come out from hiding and present themselves to me. This has happened three times: 1. when I was going to move to France after college, 2. when I was moving here, and 3. now. The first time, I decided not to move partly because of the "worthwhile" guy who turned out not to be. The second time, I met two really great guys in Chicago (both named John) who I was sad to leave. And now, it’s happening again. Probably knowing that you’ll be leaving makes you more relaxed at the clubs so you seem more approachable and confident…and the men come ‘a runnin’.

Kitty is seriously ready for bed, and so am I. On a technical note, it seems that Friendster sends an alert everytime I update this. I’m going to try to see about shutting that off because as much as I’d like people to know when there’s new content, it must get obnoxious to get those messages almost everyday. Have a great weekend!

Just when you thought you’d done every shitty job that exists in a law firm, they send you upstairs to spend your lunch hour doing the shittiest of the shitty new job. It’s called "chronning." It’s when you take a pile of documents in a crazy order and put them in order by date. Sounds simple and painless, huh? Well, half of the documents in the box aren’t dated and the other half are dated in teeny-tiny print in an obscure spot on the page. Oh, and while doing this, four fresh-out-of-college paralegals are behind me chatting on the phone, barking at each other, eating stinky food, cracking inside jokes, and blasting obnoxious music. I spent about three hours there before I finished my two boxes and escaped! My only salvation was when the uber-butch ex-fratboy paralegal’s ipod started playing Hilary Duff…"So Yesterday." That’s my jam! It also started playing Jessica Simpson’s "I Think I’m In Love" (which makes Suri’s teeth hurt), but he turned it off saying somthing like "ugh, how’d that get on there." Anyway, you should pray to whatever higher power you subscribe to that I’m never sent to chron ever again.

Today was a good swimming day. I shared a lane with a cute guy wearing resistance gloves, and an even cuter guy got in the lane next to me.

I’m so obsessed with this new roll at Roti Roll, this kind of Indian burrito shop down the street from me. I’ve had at least one of these rolls every night this week! I just ordered my second one for tonight!

One more thing, and then I have to get my roll. Tonight, I had a first date with a nice guy I’ll call W. It was sweet and romantic and included Thai food. His nose runs when he eats curry, too! I’m home writing this now, so you know I was a good boy. As if you ever dreamed I’d get down on the first night. No comments on this, please!

Now that my apartment is fucking sweltering, I realize why I need a desk for my laptop…it’s H O T, and it’s giving me fever all through the night.

I decided that I love my kitty so much that we’re going to have a gay wedding.

Speaking of men, I found out about online dating sites for vegetarians. In this past year, I have been having minor trouble dating meateaters (no offense to any of you out there), and I don’t know if I’d want to spend my life in a situation where there’s such an ethical clash. The problem is, only ten percent at most of men are gay, and probably a fraction of a quarter of one percent of the population doesn’t eat flesh, let alone dairy. I don’t even think I’ve even met a gay male vegan, and I’m a member of the NYC gay vegetarian club (Vegout!). I might be the only ONE! What I mean to say is that it’d be easier to get over my hang-up with a potential meat-eating mate than to find a vegan one, but Veggiedate.org is worth a try! Also, this summer I met a gay vegetarian married couple, and their diets seemed to be part of what bonded them.

Now, let’s talk about my day. My co-worker has been dating this cute part-time model, but today she had a mini-date with a temp who works in a different part of the building. She likes the model guy a lot, but doesn’t want to put all her eggs in that basket and is keeping her options open with the temp who is also vgl. I fully support that. However, she wants to tell the temp about her model guy to be honest so she doesn’t have to sneak around or lie. Now, I know I’m not the most successful dater, but I (oh Kitty wants me to pet him, but he’s laying down too far away!) have driven down that road, turned on that signal, made that turn, and parked in that space, and it’s always worked better for me to omit information about other guys I might be juggling. Once you open that gate, the one guy will just want to know all about the other one, and he won’t be able to think about anything else! It’s not cheating unless you’re totally serious, and if you’re totally serious, you’ll let the other one loose. This topic is open to reader comments, as are all others!

There’s a gym in the building I work in, and I usually go swimming there on my lunch break. I was royally pissed yesterday and the day before when I went, put on my suit, took the required pre-swimming shower, and got to the pool to find that there was a line to swim (only eight people can swim at once)! That had never happened before. Monday, I thought it was a fluke…you know how people try to start fitness plans on Mondays, but on Tuesday I was just angry. I want to propose a policy in which people who swim at least four times a week, get first priority in the pool, and occasional (fair-weather) swimmers must vacate the pool so that we can swim. Of course, today, I found myself in the water all alone!

This entry is becoming way too long, but I feel like I have so much more to tell you. I’m going to go back to perusing the meat on VeggieDate.

Today at work I drew a picture of everyone who has been fired from my temp group since I started. There was Margie with her cigarette (if only she hadn’t worked so quickly and carelessly), Vicki with her boombox (what was she thinking bringing a boombox to a law firm?), Evan with his ripped pants (I take responsibility for ratting him out), and eight more canned souls. Nicki found my drawing of Karl’s gap so funny, she had to leave the room so her howls of laughter wouldn’t disturb us.

They’re letting us out early at 5:30 instead of 8:30 every day this week. It’s so awesome! Today, I came home and took a long nap before dinner. Kitty slept next to me. He’s such a honeypie!

I’m about to order a big vegan cheesecake from an online retailer called "Delicious Choices."

I finished "Gossip Girl #6: You’re The One That I Want!" It was so good. I wish I had number seven right now, but I have another book to read, "Angel" by Christopher Moore, that is due back at the NYPL next Monday. The NYPL lends new books for only one week so that you have a better chance of getting your hands on them!! Great idea, huh?

Alright, nevermind about the cheesecake. Delicious Choices is closed for the summer. How nice for them. Make some cakes while you’re stuck inside all winter and spend the summer outside, cashing the checks.

I found out about a vegan store in San Diego. If you haven’t heard, I’m planning to move to the SD in September! I’m going to visit and hopefully find an apartment next month. What will I do there? Accounting school!

The biggest bug I’ve ever seen in my life just raced across my living room. Kitty seemed frightened. Unfortunately, it was squashed against the wall with a piece of furniture…by me.

David and I planned on going to the beach today, but we literally missed the boat. In fact, we couldn’t even find where the boat leaves from. I hate to think I might have spent a beautiful day at a beautiful beach full of beautiful men had I not spent the morning cutting up mangoes and washing berries for the trip, but I have a hunch that that is indeed the case. So instead, we walked around and swapped stories about what happened after we parted ways last night. Then I went to the Christopher Street pier and got some sun while finishing up the book about the bulimic. Hoes galore! Then I got to eat my mangoes!

Bowling was awesome last night. Heather was pissed because she was the only one who didn’t break a hundred. David and I laughed at her about that, but we weren’t sure if she noticed. It was all in good fun.

I walked to Brooklyn today for the second time! I had just binged on vegan buffalo wings and non-dairy cheese fries, so a nice, long stroll across the Williamsburg bridge seemed like a perfect way to work up an appetite for dessert. Guys are so hot in Brooklyn! They’re also so straight and far too hip for me, so I’m content with staring.

I can’t believe that soon I’ll go to sleep and then have to get up and start another work week. Did you know that more people drop dead at 9 AM on Monday morning than any other time of the week? Makes you think about the importance of finding work you love, huh?

Blueberries were on sale at my grocery store today. A whole pint for 99 cents! I’m eating them now!

I used to love to eat berries in a bowl of milk with sugar, like cereal, but now that I’ve stopped drinking milk and soy milk, I thought I’d try it with my patented thirty-second sesame milk. It didn’t turn out so well, so I thinned it out and made sesame cream and that was a lot better, but I think next time I’ll just eat the berries plain or with mashed banana.

Today, my friend and former roommate, Jeff, came to town for the day. We had fun walking around downtown, swapping stories about the asshole men we date, and getting caught in the rain. I love Jeff because he started singing "Cater 2 U" in the middle of a bookstore. That’s my song!

We stumbled upon a library branch that happened to be for the blind and disabled. The lady pointed me towards the young adult section and lowered her eyes and said "most of the books would be in large print as this is a library for the blind and disabled." Hah! I found a cute book about a bulemic girl that wasn’t in large print.

I just took a break to bother my kitty who loves me so much.

Sorry, but it’s time for me to get dressed. I’m going bowling tonight! That’s right, bowling! I haven’t done that in forever, and I can’t wait. Check in tomorrow.

So, tonight was shitty in every sense of the word! Woohoo! The shittiest thing is that I experienced almost the exact same night only a few weeks ago, and there is only me to blame for both.

After sneaking out of work five minutes early to avoid going out with my co-workers, I went to Borders to find the Rainbow Party book. Not only did they not have it, they didn’t have either of my two back-up books, How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World and Gossip Girl #6. And, I just found out that the NY Public Library doesn’t carry any of these, either! Ah yeah!

Then I got home and ate and got ready to do laundry. I had a ton to do because I have to wash all of my bedding thanks to our horrible bed bug infestation courtesy of our asshole neighbors. Doing laundry is no small feat for me since my apartment is on the fifth floor and the laundromat is two blocks away. The best part is playing dodge the thug with a big-ass bag of dirty clothes on the way down the hill. Ah, life in the ghetto!

So here’s where the shittiness kicks into high gear. After making my second trip from the apartment to the place, I realized that I locked my keys in the apartment. New York apartment doors legally have to lock themselves like a hotel room, making it really easy to forget your keys…which I do at least once a month. WIth two roommates, it’s not usually a huge problem. This time, it was, as was the last time. As I said earlier, this happened before, a couple weeks ago. I had brought my second load down and realized I had no keys, so I waited for about three hours on my stoop for either of my roommates. Of course, in both instances, no phone!

Last time, my downstairs neighbor eventually let me onto the fire escape to climb up into my window. Unfortunately, I locked the window two nights ago so that wasn’t a viable option. After the last time, however, I had a copy of my key made and hid it at my workplace which is accessible 24/7. I made another copy to give to my neighbor, but my roommate thought it wouldn’t be a good idea. Oh was I cursing him tonight.

"What did you do next?" I hear you asking. Don’t worry, I’ll tell. I put my clothes in the dryer, went home to ring the buzzer, walked fifteen blocks to the health food store, went home to ring the buzzer, went to the gay bar on the corner for a drink, went home to ring the buzzer, unhappily decided to go to midtown to retrieve the hidden key. Oh, once when I was ringing the buzzer, a mother and her children walked by.  Cackling in Spanish, the fat bitch pointed at me and said "Look at the faggot!" (in Spanish, as if that makes it better.) Great example for the kids, huh? I fucking hate my street and my stoop and this POS city!

To wind up my story, I got the key, came back to the apt, rang the buzzer, and my roommate was here.

There was one small ray of sunshine on this dark, misty night. I got on the subway, chewing my last potato chip, crumbs on my fingers, and the lady in the seat next to mine whipped out a napkin. She smiled as I took it and thanked her. I really needed a napkin, and she certainly came through for me.

The guys at the laundry said that I can pick up my stuff tomorrow morning at 7 AM. I’m sure Kitty (see the pics!) will wake me up for that. He hasn’t been letting me sleep very much lately which probably explains my cranky tone in this, my first ever blog entry!

Stay well! The weekend has great things in store for me including bowling, the beach, raw food, gymnastics, a visitor (Jeff!!) and love.

I’ll be sure to keep you posted on how everything pans out.