Charlie’s Blog

I got to work so late today! It’s because I was out late last night karaoke-ing at the bar on the corner. I sang my crowd favorite, "Tomorrow." It’s so fun to sing, and even a cute guy complimented me. There are always trolls there who tell me I did great, but when a cute guy tells me, girl, I know it’s true.

Speaking of cute guys, Heather and I were on the bus when I fell in love. Then he got out at Union Square. But then at Third Ave I fell in love again. I mildly sensed that he was checking me out a little bit, but I thought he was probably giving me dirty looks like a lot of guys do when I stare at them. Then, as we were getting off, I smiled at him from the street, and he smiled back from his seat on the bus. It was true love in its purest form. When times get tough, he can think of me or I can think of him, and that special moment will be ours forever!

I went to gymnastics tonight. I was chatting with these two girls, and they asked if it was my first time there. I was like, no, I come every so often. They were like, oh, we’ve never seen you. I was like, well, I’ve been in class with the both of you.That was an awkward thing to say because how could they respond? I’m going to stop saying things like that to people.

W was supposed to meet Heather and me at this bar party for her co-worker, but I don’t really know what happened. I told him where it was, but he kept calling me to ask where it was. After the fifth or sixth call, I was like, how drunk are you that you can’t remember 14th and B? Yada, yada, yada, he didn’t meet me.

I finished "Rainbow Party." It was such a disappointment. The next time a book receives no more than one star from everyone on Amazon, I will not pay money for it!

It’s time for bed now!

We’re having a heatwave! And can you believe that people on my street actually open fire hydrants like they do on TV. How many more days do I have here?

I made a very rude mistake the other night! After my potluck, I met up with Ebs while expecting a call from W. Before I knew it, it was ten and the call had never come so I just went home. Yesterday W sent me a text saying that I’d stood him up. We talked, and it turns out that it was I who had promised to call, so I felt bad about that. From now on I’ll keep my word!

Yay! My former roommate, Alisa, is in town! She’s coming over soon, but I can’t remember at what time so I’ll just hang out. She’s visiting from Prague, and I can’t wait to czech up on how she’s doing (hah!).

I finally got the book, "Rainbow Party!" It’s okay so far. It’s about these kinky oral sex parties that kids in high school or middle school throw. The girls each wear a different color of lipstick, and the guys try to finish the party with a rainbow in their pants. It’s fiction, but rumor has it that these parties really exist. Shocking, huh?

My Potato Salad a la Charlie was a big hit at the gay vegetarian potluck! I was so surprised!

Before that, I went to my funk class at the East Village Crunch. It was pretty fun, but I kept tripping over my feet. Then I had a flashback to my Crunch funk class in Chicago. There was a regular in that class who looked and danced just like Jessica Alba in Honey, and she always chewed gum while she danced. I always wanted to try that, hoping that the chewing would relax my mind so that my body could just do the steps naturally. SO, today I desperately wanted to try some gum, but I didn’t have any. Then I got the bright idea to chew on a paper towel. It worked! I automatically started dancing more smoothly and perfectly. Then, the teacher came up to me and asked if I had gum. He told me to get rid of it which I did. Later, I decided I’d try hiding it so I got more paper towel and chewed it when he wasn’t looking. Of course, he caught me and said "don’t chew gum in my class." It felt like Jr. High! I tried telling myself that he just didn’t want me to choke, but I’m not that much of a saint. I wanted to tell him about Honey, and I tried to explain how it helped me, but he wasn’t having it.

My paper didn’t get stolen today. It did yesterday, but not today! The daughter of the CEO of Coach got married.

Grrr…I posted last night, but it didn’t get added to the blog! I was so out of it, thanks to a hazy Wonderbread/fake bologna binge, that I hardly remember what I wrote about.

Thanks to your prayers (CHRISTY!), I didn’t miss the boat to the beach yesterday! It was close, though. My German friend didn’t meet me by das Subway like he was supposed to. After waiting for fifteen minutes, I booked it to the river and got in the ticket line. It was almost my turn to buy tickets when I felt a tap on my shoulder. No, it wasn’t the hot, tall Lacoste guy behind me in line, it was the German, huffing and puffing.

There was some ticket drama as two women mistakenly in the ticket holder line tried to cut me when I was up in the ticket buyer line. Mr. Lacoste forsaw their scheme and slammed his long body against the counter, barricading them from the window, but not before the one lady threw sixty bucks to the cashier. Lacoste threw her money back at her and barked that I was next and he was after. The lady seriously wailed like she was in labor! I laughed, bought my tickets, and skipped onto the ferry (pronounced FAIRY not FURRY like they say in Brooklyn).

The beach was very relaxing, and the water was not too cold! I do feel a little gross swimming in water where you can see lots of boats nearby.

Don’t it always seem to go that whenever you don’t feel like leaving the house on a Saturday night, you get lots of invitations to do fun things whereas on nights when the last place you want to be is home, no one’s around and there ain’t shit to do!

I woke up craving chocolate chip pancakes, but my roommate talked me into making brownie hot fudge sundaes. She figured out how to make vegan hot fudge just off the top of her head (melt dark chocolate with some soy milk)! It was the best hot fudge EVER. To think, the best hot fudge wasn’t in some hip, veg restaurant in the East Village or San Francisco. It’s been waiting to be made in Heather’s crusty saucepan on my very own, mouse-dropping-littered stovetop.

We watched "Drop Dead Gorgeous" while we ate. After I update my Friendster profile, this will become my new favorite movie ("She’s skinny, not deaf, Amber!)! I fucking love Kirstie Alley! I started reading her book this week, and I’m sad to report that while satisfying it’s didn’t live up to my high expectations.

Tonight is the monthly gay vegetarian potluck (www.vegoutnyc.org)! I think I’m going to bring my favorite side dish: Potato Salad a la Charlie! It’s vegan mayo and hot sauce folded into crushed Ruffles. Try it at home, but don’t be stingy with the mayo (vegenaise works best).

Before I go, you’ll be happy to know that I didn’t burn at all yesterday! I’m beautifully bronze and ready to renew my commitment to maintaining a gorgeous tan. I’ll never leave the house pasty again!

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I’m leaving for the beach in a few minutes! Please pray that I don’t miss the boat this time!

What’s up, boo? My nose is running from the Thai food I just ate. I’ve been OD-ing on Panang curry, a spicy dish made with coconut milk (not to be confused with coconut water), and it seems that it’s not as delicious to me as it once was. The same thing happened with Lil’ Debbie Cake Donuts last winter. I once ate eight of them before bed (for all of you calorie-counting-anorexic-wannabes, they contain over 500 calories each!). Now, I barely ever want to finish one. Unfortunately, at about ten bucks a pop, my Panang curry addiction wreaks more havoc on my pocketbook than on my figure.

I can’t believe it’s only 12:30! It feels like 5 AM. I’m so tired. This heat sucks all the life out of me. As does hanging out at three different boring Chelsea bars. I’m so over Chelsea. I swear, I’m just ready to sit at home with boo, watch DVD’s, and get up early to take cute beach vacations.

David tried to drag me to a fourth bar, XL (which I sometimes call X-hell), but I had to put my foot down. He almost had me going with him, but I remained strong in my decision to get home. Isn’t it obnoxious when someone tries to get you to do something you don’t want to do, especially after you’ve told them many times. Why would you even want to do something or go anywhere with someone who is in such vehement opposition? I finally convinced his drunk ass to just go alone and hang out with my two friends there.

I ended up, totally by chance, at the same bar as W tonight. I was happy to meet his friends again so I could really learn their names. One of them is Juan Lopez, and he likes to be called J-Lo. I don’t know if that works as the J in Juan is silent. Maybe it should be <pause>-Lo.

So, it seems the the drop box at the library is closed on Fridays. Instead, you have to wait in line to return your books. It’s like fucking communist Russia! The lady was taking her sweet-ass time, too! Didn’t she know that I was on the clock? I almost expected some bread after I gave the bitch my books.

I just saw a Levi’s commercial with a girl who looked like Mischa Barton (aka Man-Voice). I can never be sure about people on my TV, though, since I don’t have cable. Oh yay! Now it’s the commercial for Totino’s Pizza Rolls featuring the kid who looks exactly like 10-year-old Charlie! Damn, I want some Pizza now!

Yesterday, I meant to tell you about my obnoxious co-worker who fell out of his chair. Apparently he slipped off onto his knees and fell dramatically to the floor, face-first. Where was I during all this? Well, my profile was facing him, but I missed all of the excitement because I was talking to my tablemate. However, I make this promise: if I had something of great value, I might trade it to go back in time and see him fall.

Tonight, W and I saw Batman Begins. Before that we had Indonesian food. I’m a little upset about the food because I think they snuck a piece of meat (goat, I’d wager) into my VEGETARIAN special plate. I was chewing, chewing, chewing, when it struck me, “ooh this is delicious, it tastes like something I haven’t eaten in awhile, kind of hmmm…meaty and fleshy, how odd in a potato dish, it tastes like goat! OH SHIT!” Had I not been on a date, I would have spit it out and examined it or at the least gone to the bathroom and done so, but, not wanting to seem fussy, I merely swallowed it and vowed to closely inspect each bite from now on. Did I mention there was a fly in my water, too? The problem with ethnic restaurants is that if something happens that you want to complain about, it’s usually too much trouble to get past the language barrier to be worth any kind of reward. The problem with being vegan is that you eat at ethnic restaurants all the time so if something goes wrong you really just have to accept it.

Kitty is meowing so much since I changed his food. He likes it a lot better than his old food so he scarfs it down and wants more right away. Stupid cat doesn’t understand that he’s already husky, and if I keep giving him more he’ll be on the path to feline diabetes. If you’ve never cared for a cat with feline diabetes, believe me you don’t want to.

There was something W wanted me to write. Oh yeah, I decided I don’t want to write that as it is too intimate for this family-friendly blog o’ mine. We found out that our zodiac signs are not compatible. I told him that I wouldn’t mind dating him anyway, at least until I meet a Cancer or Pisces. He was very grateful.

Now for a little poetry:

On the floor of my room sits Kitty

He’s a sweet little thing, oh so pretty,

After licking his paw,

He looked up in awe,

And said daddy Charlie’s the best in the city.

Now I know it’s time for bed.

Hello…welcome back.

Today was a great day! I went to gymnastics and did a new tumbling pass that I’ve been dreaming about doing since 1996. It’s a front handspring, front bounder, front tuck. The other people in class clapped for me when I landed! The thing is, most gyms have a special ritual for recognizing that someone has learned a new skill. This gym has a bulletin board of "bullseyes" where kids write down their name and the skill. So, after I landed, I told this girl that I wanted a bullseye, and she kinda laughed at me as if I was kidding. I felt a little childish then and wondered if it was appropriate for me to have one. Now, I decided that I want one after all, but I guess I’ll have to wait until I learn a new trick. That sucks because learning new tricks is fucking hard! If new tricks were easy, I’d be able to do them already.

Here’s an update on the situation with my co-worker who is torn between two guys. She’s decided that while she does really like the temp guy, it’s the part-time model who has stolen her heart. SO, she’s going to tell the temp that they can be friends because she is too in love with the model, and she’s going to tell the model that every so often she has to hang out with the temp…who is gay. I applaud her for coming up with such a great lie. We were reading Essence today, and it seems that there are more than twice as many female black college graduates as there are male ones in the US. Seeing as the temp is one, we agreed it’s a good idea to keep him around. Also, I’ve met him, and he’s both cute and charming.

I meant to write something about W, but I can’t remember what it was. He’s reading my earlier blogs now and will call me after he’s done to discuss.

The guy at the Thai restaurant, I found out tonight, also works at the gay bar/Indian fast food place on my corner. He recognized me when I picked up my take-out, and threw in a free bottle of Voss water, from Norway! It’s all Madonna will drink. I’ll only drink that or coconut water or sometimes tap, but never my Brita because once I found a roach in it.

Good morning! It’s not even 8:30, and I’m already up with my laundry in the dryer. I’ve also gone to the cleaners to get some pants hemmed. I haven’t yet brushed my teeth, but that’s next on my agenda.

Kitty is so happy because he finished off the huge crate of healthy cat food so I bought him some more junky stuff that he loves! The problem now is that he eats it so quickly that he’s whining for more an hour later. Maybe I should check the ingredients for MSG.

I finished my book last night. It was actually called "The Curse of the Singles Table," and I recommend it to anyone, but especially single women and Jews.

So on Monday, I went bowling again! It was so fun! After three games, I still hadn’t broken 100 which I guess was my due after laughing at Heather the other week. On the fourth game, I was doing pretty well, but my last roll went into the gutter leaving me with 97! We were ready to go, but my friends agreed to play a fifth game, and I finally got into my groove and scored 126!

"Who’s The Boss" is on. Mona is so funny! Ooh, Marcia Cross is a guest! I love seeing a big star playing a bit part on old shows.

Yesterday at work, I almost snapped at one of my co-workers. Here’s why. I came in with a bunch of packages of watermelon, like I do every fucking day, and proceeded to start eating them, like I do every fucking day. One person walks by, "Is that watermelon all for you?" Yes. (He stands, smiles, and stares) "That’s a lot of watermelon." I know. Then comes person number two. "You and your watermelon! You’re going to eat all of that?" Yes. "Crazy!" Next is my tablemate, who has been royally getting on my nerves this past month, "Woah, four packages today." I always have four. "I thought you have three." No, four. (Is there really much of a difference, asshole?) Then I explained to him that he was the third person to comment on my food and that it’s really not that fun for me to be subjected to constant heckling because I don’t eat a fucking muffin or bacon for breakfast like everyone else. Happily, this stopped him from making his usual 9 to 5 tirade of small talk with me so I could quietly read my book and gossip with my other co-workers.

Shit, my laundry is done!